Location: The Suck, California

Me. Stars. Effers.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

What The Starlet Said...

I've been working with a Young Starlet lately, writing her vanity project. A movie star and former model, she is exceedingly beautiful. We have to spend a lot of time alone together at her mansion, often until late in the evening. She likes to wear skimpy clothing, calls me "angel" and squeezes my thigh emphatically when making a point.

God I fucking hate her.

My friends think I'm crazy. They're of the opinion that I'm "a lucky bastard" who has "no right to complain." One friend in particular told me to "stop being a pussy" and that he'd like to stab me repeatedly with a "shiv on the Big Yard." (Ok, Hector's actually more of a pen pal than a friend. He's currently serving 10-15 for armed robbery at San Q, but that's a whole other story...)

The thing is, I listen to my friends. And so I started to wonder, have I lost my perspective? Am I so jaded by my many years in The Suck that I can no longer appreciate the fun stuff?

Meditation was in order. I got quiet. Did some soul searching. Put a new roll of TP on the spindle (some of my best thinking happens on the pot). And here's what I came back with:

I still fucking hate the Young Starlet.

Because it doesn't matter that she's beautiful, or that I can sometimes see her boobs or that she gives me loads of special attention. As it happens, the woman I'm married to is drop-dead gorgeous, I can see her boobs (almost) whenever I want and nobody's attention is more special than hers. But most importantly, my wife is intelligent and enthralling without being pathologically self-absorbed.

What kills it for Young Starlet is that every time she opens her mouth, the most obnoxious things come out - and I'm not talking about Colin Farrell's sperm, though I'm sure that's happened a few times too.

No, I'm talking about things like this:

YOUNG STARLET: (yawns, bats her thick eyelashes sleepily) "Gawd, I'm SO tired. I went to see the Rolling Stones last night..."

ME: "Oh how was it?"

YS: "They're so much fun."

ME: "Yeah, we tried to get tickets. Hollywood Bowl, right?"

(She stares at me, confused. Awkward silence, then-)

YS: "Wha-? Hollywood Bowl? What are you talking about?"

ME: "The Stones. They played the Hollywood Bowl, didn't they?"

YS: "No angel! I went to a PARTY at their hotel..."

Who says "I went to see the Rolling Stones last night" assuming the listener will know this to mean "I HUNG OUT with the Rolling Stones?" Am I way off base here? I mean, if you partied with the fucking Rolling Stones, just say "I partied with the fucking Rolling Stones!" She was baiting me right?

Of course she was. I've learned that she likes to draw distinctions between my oh-so-pedestrian-little-family-life and her great-big-flashy-movie-star-life.

Whatever bitch.

Another thing she likes to do is tell anecdotes about movie stars that only reference them by first name. This requires me to play a guessing game to find out who the fuck she's talking about. Example:

YS: "I couldn't believe it. I threw a dinner party on Saturday and George showed up, uninvited and drunk like a skunk!"

ME: "George Bush?"

YS: "Nooooo...."

ME: "George Michael?"

YS: "Nooooo...."

ME: "Clooney?"

YS: (jumping up and down, clapping her hands-) "YES!!"

So obnoxious. It's like I'm a contestant on Family Feud. Here's another one she recently pulled:

YS: "You know, I didn't really know how to breathe properly until I worked with Ray. He's so brilliant."

ME: "Ray Charles?"

YS: "Noooooo....

ME: "Ray Romano?"

YS: "Noooooo...."

ME: "I don't know... fucking Ray Liotta?"

YS: (jumping up and down, clapping her hands-) YES!!!"

It's like this all the time. She baits me, and I bite like the star-effing fuckwit that I am. I should stop taking the bait, but I'm like Charlie Brown this way: I really think Lucy's going to hold that football for me, but she always jerks it away at the last minute and I go flying.

I'll be working with her for several more weeks, so I'll keep you posted as more pearls issue from her lips - and no, I'm not talking about Heath Ledger's spunk, but I'll let you know the minute that happens too.

Should be fun, kids. Tune in.


Blogger HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Oh, I know you can't reveal such sensitive information, but I'm DYING tö know who she is. I have some ideas...

This blog effin rocks! :)

2:09 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

Does she ever play charades? Cause if she did that to me, I'd hit her upside the head with an ironing board.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Sizzle said...

i think you are going to be saying "whatever bitch" a lot for the next few weeks.

;) sizz

3:24 PM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

HMH: I so wish that I could... also, how the hell did u get one of those umlaut things over the word "to"??

PDiddy: I'd be willing to organize a special game just to see you do this. I could pay you.

Sizz: I think you're right. sigh

3:56 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Start your own stories "Amazing wife and I threw a dinner party the other night and holy shit Mick stopped by for drinks!" "Mick??? Jagger????" "No you stupid twat, Mick my lawn guy. Why the hell would Mick Jagger be at my house?"

6:31 PM  
Blogger Debby said...

I'd just have to slap the bitch upside the head, that is if I could ever stop laughing long enough from melissa's comment.

This blog fucking rocks and I will definitely keep tuning in to see what happens next. Much better than my plebian life!!!!

7:17 PM  
Blogger Moonchild said...

ah, you used the word "fuckwit" so lovingly :) ...I'm so proud of you. The Starlet sounds to me like a full fledged fuckmook though. Scary people like that exist. I guess I should be so grateful I'm an ordinary chick living on the prairie of the Dakota Territory....

8:39 PM  
Blogger Aymster said...

I'm not sure how I would feel about playing the guessing game with her all the time. I guess it would keep me amused though.

I am guessing "The Suck" is L.A.? I moved from "The OC SUCK"

9:01 PM  
Blogger kristine said...

i think i should just come with you once or twice to help you train her--you know, like a dog. every time she's a bitch, i'll tap her on the nose or spray water on her, while firmly repeating, NO STARLET, NO.

but i also like paul and melissa's ideas.

7:41 AM  
Anonymous Sanora said...

The upside to all of this is that folks writing vanity projects for the Starlet will only last as long as she has something to be vain about and I'm guessing it's not her talent so eventually Mick and George and Ray will lose interest.

"whatever bitch...."

9:31 AM  
Blogger pylorns said...

Just do the same thing. Come in one day and do this:

You: Yeah I went to this AWSOME backyard BBQ last night and Steve cooked the best ribs, then his wife Liv got drunk and we caught her in the bathroom with Rob.

Her: Steve? Liv Tyler? Rob Sneider?

You: Oh no, my neighbors... you know they live across the street from me...

8:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:35 AM  
Blogger HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I'm still waiting for the follow-up. I know you have a real life and job and whatever, but throw a girl a bone here, will ya?

2:59 AM  
Anonymous Health Blog said...

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12:25 AM  

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