Location: The Suck, California

Me. Stars. Effers.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

My Visit to the WB Ranch

I recently did a television pitch at the WB. For the uninitiated, a pitch is where a writer goes to the office of a studio or television executive and tries to sell them an idea by doing a verbal presentation.

YOU: "You mean like a sales pitch - something the so-called 'uninitiated' are exposed to every day?"

ME: "Good analogy! It's exactly like a sales pitch."

YOU: "Then why didn't you just say that asshole? Just because I'm not in Hollywood doesn't mean I'm fucking stupid."

ME: "Yes it does. Remember, dear reader, everyone who works in Hollywood thinks non-Hollywood people are fucking stupid. Why do you think there are so many terrible TV shows? Why do you think so many movies suck monkey balls? Because you are the brain-dead masses and we are the Nurse Ratcheds spoon-feeding you gruel."

Which brings me back to my story.

My agents told me I would be pitching my show to executives at the WB network. So I went there thinking I'd be going to the great big Warner Bros lot in Burbank. However, where I ended up was somewhere quite different; somewhere called the "WB Ranch."

As I pulled into the gate I immediately started scanning for stables. "OK, so where do they keep the livestock?" I wondered as the security guard took my drivers license. But there were no cows, sheep, or even alpacas.

How could they not have alpacas? Seventy percent of people who work in TV are gay, and everyone knows that alpaca herding is the new industry of choice for lesbians (surpassing pottery and commercial plumbing). So how could the WB Ranch not have alpacas?

The other thing that was missing was gay cowboys. Gay cowboys absolutely effing rock. If you don't like the idea of cowboys who happen to be gay, well then you obviously have something against cowboys. And with this new gay cowboy movie coming out - I believe it's called "Brokebutt Mountain" - people who don't like cowboys are in for months and months of advertisements and Oscar talk about the matter.

So I was extremely disappointed when there were none to be found at the Ranch. At the very least I was expecting to see some security guards walking around in ass-less chaps, but no such luck.

No lesbo alpacas, no gay cowboys. There wasn't even a damn pick-up truck in the entire parking lot. So then, why is this place called a "ranch" if there's nothing remotely ranch-like about it?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Maybe it's because the Ranch is where they hatch up their "stable" of shows for the new season. Or maybe because it's where they "shepherd" new talent onto bright futures. Or maybe, just maybe, it's where a staff of Austrian scientists grow genetically engineered actors and actresses tailor-made to suit WB shows. Like, if something happens to the dad on "7th Heaven" they can just pluck back-up dad from the "Ranch" and no one will ever be the wiser.

It's possible. Have you seen that guy?

Well, I did do some searching and what I found out is that the Ranch contains some famous sets. Mostly, these are house sets. For example, the TV shows "Bewitched," "I Dream of Jeannie" and "The Partridge family" were all shot there. And remember the Griswalds' house from National Lampoon's "Vacation" movies? And what about Danny Glover's house in "Lethal Weapon?" All can be found within the gates of the WB Ranch.

Unfortunately I didn't know any of this before my pitch. Had I done my homework I could've spent a little extra time touring the grounds instead of glancing about for alpacas and gay cowboys.

Still, it didn't answer the question: why is it called a "ranch?"


Blogger HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Maybe they're hiding the gay cowboys AND their assless chaps. It's a conspiracy of the highest order. Maybe once your pitch gets picked up for a pilot, they have a good, old-fashioned gay round-up. I'd pay some serious money to see that.

12:24 AM  
Anonymous Neil said...

Because after entertainment, the next biggest industry in LA is real estate. And if you call something a "ranch," it sounds cool and you can charge more for the land. So, this way, if Warner Brothers ever wants to sell the entire company to the Chinese Government oor something like that, they can make a real killing.

3:57 AM  
Blogger Paul said...


You said "alpacas"!

6:26 AM  
Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

There's no stables at The Bunny Ranch either, but you don't hear anybody complaining about that, do you?

10:54 AM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

HMH - You're probably right! And if I had known they'd do a round-up I'd have tried a lot harder on my pitch!

Neil - It's like tacking the words "Hills" or "Heights" on part of a city to make it tony. Damn Chinese...

Paul - Glad I'm not the only one tickled by alpacas

Arm - Yeah, but you're bound to find ass-less chaps, whips and maybe even a saddle or two...

11:32 AM  
Anonymous groovebunny said...

Hello and thanks for visiting my humble blog today. :) Somehow gay cowboys don't shock me at all since one of the Village People wore the buttless chap cowboy outfit lol.

11:09 PM  
Blogger alannajoy said...

I prefer my cowboys to be head over heals hetero-style, but send me a dude donning ass-less chaps and rock-hard pectorals and I'd be the most satisfied damsel in distress around...

9:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a question since a few friends and I are headed down there to Burbank next week. Can you just go to the WB Ranch and take a walk around? Do you have to go on a tour?

1:26 PM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

Anonymous: I seriously doubt it, but in all honesty I have no fucking clue. I guess when you hit town you could march on up to the guard shack and ask security. My gut feeling is that this place is not open to the general public, like say, Universal Studios.

Good luck.

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Howdy Elmer Heffers,

Check out Oscar-winning parody website for some good laughs.

It's also good luck to e-mail this link to all your friends.

6:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
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5:03 PM  

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