Our Visit To The Movie Hospital

My wife got sick. Sinus infection. Green stuff. Not pleasant.

She wanted to see a doctor, but today is a Saturday which means our regular doc is probably snorting coke off a hooker's tits in Vegas. So we decided to explore the other opportunities available to us through my Writers Guild health insurance. That's when we found it: the movie hospital.

Best. Hospital. EVER. I will never step foot in a real-person's hospital again. Only The Movie Hospital for me from now on.

Well, it's not actually called "The Movie Hospital." That would be too cool. Can you imagine an ambulance driver slamming a celebrity onto a stretcher and yelling, "It's Goldie Hawn! Get her to The Movie Hospital, STAT!"

It's really called The Motion Picture and Television Hospital - which, though titillating, is still too boring for a place like this. They really should re-name it.

Some other suggestions I'd like to offer:

-The Cutting Room
-Lights! Camera! Traction!
-Multi-Picture Heal
-Points on the Gross Anatomy

Why is it so great?

For starters, I love a hospital with movie posters all over the walls. I think all hospitals should do this. Jerry's Deli has Broadway posters for some damn reason. Why can't hospitals have movie posters? There's nothing like sitting in the waiting room waiting for your name to be called while the friendly eyes of Robin Williams stare down at you from the "Patch Adams" one-sheet.

They also have behind-the-scenes movie stills too! So as we filled out the paperwork with the in-take nurse I looked over her shoulder to see black and white shots of Kevin Costner and Cheech Marin yukking it up on the set of "Tin Cup." On another wall I saw Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn having a chat with director John Huston on the set of "The African Queen." And over there, by the complimentary gourmet coffee, a group shot of Ron Howard, Henry Winkler and the rest of the cast from "Happy Days," all smiling warmly at me as if to say, "You try to feel better now, buckaroo." And I did feel better, almost instantly - even though it was my wife that was sick, not me.

Another reason The Movie Hospital rocks so hard is that the staff and doctors do not act like regular medical personnel. They're all happy and talkative, as though they're about to schmooze you on a new script they're developing. "Great shirt brother, where'd you get that?" asked the genial Gay man behind the counter. Taken aback by this uncharacteristic outburst of hospital-staff humanity, I replied without thinking: "Uh...Ross. Clearance rack." But he didn't flinch at this, rather he just nodded approvingly with a savvy look on his face, "Bargain bling-bling. Isn't that the best? I'm so lovin' that..." Then he turned to my wife and asked, "Are you allergic to any medication, little Miss Thing?"

And the doctors... Wow. Our doctor was not only extremely knowledgeable and courteous, but he was hilarious! His face looked so familiar I'm positive I must've seen him on a recently cancelled sitcom. And I'm also pretty sure that as he treated my wife for her sinus infection he was working out the kinks on his own stand-up comedy act. Makes sense, as Saturdays are big Open Mic nights for burdgeoning comics. But the guy wasn't nervous or jittery - he was a total pro. I mean, when he swabbed my wife's nostrils with a long Q-tip probe, he must've cracked at least four solid jokes! My wife laughed so hard she didn't even notice when he jammed that stick a good three inches into her face. Now THAT's talent! When we go back next week for a follow-up visit, I'm going to ask him for his headshot. My agent's gotta meet his guy!

Other highlights include:

-Wood paneling, plush couches and comfy chairs everywhere.
-Cable TV in the waiting areas.
-Free coffee, snacks and general craft service while you wait.

And last but not least:

-Movie and TV memorabilia to take one's mind off the mundane quality of being sick.

Because, let's face it: just because being sick is unglamorous, doesn't mean your treatment has to be.

Such is the state of the sick in the Suck.