Location: The Suck, California

Me. Stars. Effers.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Charlton Heston Loves Garage Sales

He was the Omega Man. He was Moses. He was at my garage sale yesterday.

As it turns out, Charlton Heston - "Two Buck Chuck," as we like to say in the garage sale biz - is a damn, dirty ape about bargain-basement shopping!

It all started when I was discussing speakers with a doo-ragged client. "Five dollars each" I said. "How'bout three for both?" he replied, before looking off to the street and exclaiming, "Whoa, it's that dude from 'Planet of the Apes,' man." I looked over and saw a jet black corvette purring in front of my driveway. The tinted window was rolled down and there in the drivers seat was none other than Ben-Hur himself!

He was scanning our wares with a keen eagle eye, paying no mind to me and Doo Rag as we gawked. "What's he looking for?" asked Doo Rag. I shrugged, "Firearms. Ammo. I hear Cabbage Patch dolls are making a comeback." Who could say for sure? Whatever it was, he was looking very intently, like a seasoned garage-saler. This was no lazy day in the sun for Chuck, he was a man on a mission. He wasn't about to get out of his car unless he had good reason.

I tore my eyes away from Chuck, I didn't want to scare him off like a mule deer in my Star Effing sights. I wanted him to come over, run a hand over my x-box games and say "How much for this first-person shooter?" I wanted him to look at my cowboy boots and wink in validation. I wanted him to scan the video and dvd rack and say with a wry smile, "I noticed you aren't selling any 'Bowling for Columbine'. Good work, kid."

But alas, his piercing baby-blues did not find what they were looking for in our pile of crap, and he quickly rolled up his blackened window, put the car in gear, and sped off to the next sale. "They don't make movie stars like that anymore, do they?" said Doo Rag sagely.

No they don't, Doo Rag. No they don't. American actors are total pussies. Where's the next Steve McQueen? Paul Newman? Chuck Heston? The tough-guy-who-can-act does not exist in our society anymore. We hafta import them from Australia and England. Is it that there are no more real tough guys in America? Or that the tough guys stopped acting?

I went back to haggling the speakers, charmed by this most unexpected Star Effing moment. Thanks for stopping by Chuck. Wish I had what you were looking for, sir.


Blogger Paul said...

That's awesome. You should have called him a dirty ape or something to get his goat.

2:43 PM  
Blogger kristine said...

wow. yard sales in LA? maybe he was just as shocked as i am. trying to figure out why all your garbage was removed from the trash and displayed for all to see.

you're funny. seriously.

6:07 PM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

they really do happen Kristine. they just suck.

but don't tell Chuck -- we want him back...

6:52 PM  
Blogger Merujo said...

That's incredibly surreal. Of course, I would have been torn between thinking "Damn! Charleton Heston!" and "Damn! He's got Alzheimer's, but he's still driving around L.A.?!?"

Watch out, pedestrians...

9:31 AM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

We're on the same page Merujo... Both thoughts crossed my mind as well.

And I don't think the streets will be safe for quite some time. Can't you just picture Chuck swiping the keys to the Vette and slipping off unbeknownst to the pudgy Filipina home-care nurse?

9:42 AM  
Blogger Moonchild said...

next time keep your camera phone nearby and shoot the Ape man for us to see :)

8:43 PM  
Anonymous Sanora said...

See that's the thing about stars...most people with Alzheimers would wander up on foot dressed in their pajama bottoms...he gets lost driving a 'vette.

1:22 PM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

PG: alas, i wish i had my phone handy. i'm thinking of doing a special garage sale just to catch Chuck in the act again...

Sanora: too true. stars never do anything half-ass. even the mentally ill ones -- then again, are any of them not mentally ill?

4:38 PM  

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