Location: The Suck, California

Me. Stars. Effers.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Welcome To The Suck

20.1 million.

No, that's not the salary of some effing star for two months "work" (but good guess!)

20.1 million is the number of effing bloggers in the world as of today. Bear in mind that this number includes a couple mil in "Spam Blogs" too, but that's ok. Spam Blogs are like C-list actors: they count, just not as much as real effing stars. I think the ratio is: ten C-listers equals one A-lister (and five Cs to one B-lister). This is a sliding scale though. For example, thanks to "Breaking Bonaduce" the former Partridge Family freckle freak has transcended rank and file and carved out a new category for himself, which I like to call "Super C." Super C means that if I saw Bonaduce on the street today, preferable hopped-up on alcohol, steroids and anti-psychotics, I would get giddy. I might even whip out the LG camera phone for a hazy UFO-esque photo op. I might even bark an off-color remark, throw something at him, and bolt for dear life. He's THAT big now.

Does Danny Bonaduce have a blog? Sadly, no. But since every other mother effer does, I decided it was high time that I join that herd as it drives, lemming-like, toward the cliffs. Is my blog different? Absolutely not. Will it enrich your life? You better believe it, donkey kong.

You see, I'm IN Hollyweird. I live here, and more importantly, I crap here. These boots are on the ground, scuffed and discolored from the blood of fallen foes. I've crawled my way to the middle of this unholy wasteland and now, I offer my services to you, dear reader. I will be your eyes and ears. I will give you all the hard won displeasure of soul-crushing Tinseltown without any of the messy clean-up.

Sure you might pick up some dirt under your fingernails or feel the mild compulsion to gargle after reading this site, but believe me bub, that ain't nothing. Living in Hollywood requires intense sanitization - like scrubbing and stuff. Like going to church. Calling mom for validation. Lighting scented candles.

My solemn promise to you: no more scented candles.

So sit back. Read slow. Enjoy. I'll give you the ice cream, and you'll do no churning. I am your humble host and you are my guest as we examine the glorious muck.

Welcome to the Suck.



Blogger Paul said...

What kind of ice cream are you going to give us, and will it have all that fucking crap that Ben & Jerry's puts in their ice cream? And if it will, can you make sure there are no chocolate covered peanut-butter filled pretzels in there?

God, I hate that crap.

9:45 AM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

You pick the flavor. As long as it's not the Flavor Saver flavor, I can accomodate.

Ben and Jerry's are not effing stars and thus have no place on this site.

9:53 AM  
Anonymous heather said...


i got nothing. welcome to the madness.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

Thanks Heather. It feels good. Really, really good.

4:49 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

Your response to my response, sorta sucks.


8:13 AM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

Thanks for the feedback, Pablo.

I hope to improve. Help me get there buddy.

12:12 PM  
Blogger AJ Gentile said...

Oh why the hell not. I like ice cream.

11:59 PM  
Blogger Sizzle said...

i fucking missed the ice cream give away!?

balls! why does this stuff always happen to me??

;) sizzle

8:51 AM  
Blogger Star Effer said...

There is only one rule we strictly enforce here at Star Effer and that is "Ms. Sizzle always gets ice cream."

Just name your flavor, Sizz.

9:31 AM  

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