Name:
Location: The Suck, California

Me. Stars. Effers.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Poppa Effer: the Gene Hackman Factor



Take a look at both of these pictures.

Gene Hackman, right?

Wait a minute....LOOK CLOSER. There's a very slight difference. Do you see it?

Still don't? OK, let me illuminate: one of these men is NOT Gene Hackman. Believe it or not the handsome devil on the right is actually my father, Mr. Poppa Effer.

I know, I know. It's almost impossible to discern. See my dad is a dead ringer for Hackman. Spitting image. And wanna know what's creepier? He's almost identical in personality.

Here's an example. About a year ago I was in the men's room of a fancy Beverly Hills restaurant and Gene Hackman stormed in. He went looking into every available stall before turning on the Bathroom Attendant:

Gene Hackman: "Bidet?"
Bathroom Attendant: "S'cuse me, sir?"
GH: "I said, 'Where is your bidet?'"
BA: "What is that?"
GH: "A bidet? Ah for cryin' out-- It's a kind of basin for washing your...you know...after you crap."
BA: "Oh my God sir."
GH: "I was told this restaurant had bidets in the men's room."
BA: "No sir, we sure don't."
GH: "Well I was told you did."
BA: "I've worked here seven years. I would know if we had one of those."
GH: "Forget it, I'll just hold it then..."

And he stormed out of the bathroom as quickly as he entered. Moments later, when I went to wash my hands, the Attendant made a face as if to say, "What's up with Hackman?" But I was too awestruck to care. For me it was as if my own dad had been there.

See, ever since my dad went to Japan he talks about bidets as if he's found Christ. "They wash you clean, my son. They leave you fresh and pure. Like the freshly fallen snow." He even gets the same little glint in his eye that I saw on Hackman that day in the loo.

Another thing they have in common is that they're both tough guys. Hackman has been known to be a bit punchy. Even as recently as four years ago he found himself in a well publicized street brawl against two men in their late twenties. Hackman was 71.

My dad's also had his fair share of scraps. As an immigrant to this country, trying to support a wife and four kids in the un-PC 1970s, speaking English with a thick accent, he came to be quite sensitive to comments like "Why dontcha learn some fuckin English?" or "Go home to wherever the shit you came from." He couldn't come back with witty retorts and didn't know how to respond to these hurtful words. But what he did know was that iconic American men like McQueen, Bronson and Eastwood didn't need witty retorts.

So I remember being at the market with my dad when some yokel cut in front of us at the checkout stand and on top of it, had the gall to make a slur. Next thing you know Poppa Effer popped him one in the nose. The guy fell to the ground, screamed for the manager and filed a police report. To this day Popps is convinced that punching the schmuck was the right course of action. Very Popeye Doyle if you ask me.

OTHER FUN FACTS:

-Hackman used to smoke, but quit cold turkey.

-So did my dad.

-Hackman loves Volvos.

-Poppa Effer is a Volvo-slutaholic.

-Hackman left home at 16.

-Guess what? So did my main man.

-And they both have male pattern baldness to boot!

See? It really is as though I was raised by Gene Hackman himself! So if you ever happen to be walking down the street and you think you see Gene Hackman, it might just be my dad instead.

But if you choose to speak to him, err on the side of caution and refrain from saying, "What's up Poppa Effer!" It might just save you a black eye.

15 Comments:

Blogger AJ Gentile said...

Separated.

At.

Birth.

11:00 PM  
Blogger LisaBinDaCity said...

I personally think you should forward this post to Gene Hackman. Maybe he will adopt you and your family or something? Or at the very least share his insider info about the town's best bidet locations.

6:17 AM  
Blogger Aymster said...

That's cool. I'll make sure to stay away if I see either of them. I don't want my ass kicked ;)

6:56 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I have _always_ had the hots for Gene Hackman. It's that raw male sexuality. I want to buy your dad a drink and flirt like hell with him.

7:37 AM  
Blogger ocg said...

I wish you would have warned me about not approaching him with "What's up Poppa Effer!" sooner...

I have an effen shiner now...

dang it...

4:28 PM  
Blogger Sizzle said...

my mom is a dead ringer (or was, both in their heyday) for Mrs. Skippy.

plus, they both like peanut butter.

the coincidences and similarities are endless!

;) sizz

9:46 PM  
Blogger HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I never would've pegged Gene for a squirt up the bum kinda guy. I wonder if he vacations in France?

The only thing my father ever gets mistaken for is Mexican.

8:59 AM  
Anonymous Nate Diamond said...

Sweet South America -- you know what this means, don't you? It means you gotta get your dad to Santa Fe New Mexico, one of the places nearest and dearest to the mighty Lex Luthor's heart. He's had the hots for land of the Zuni since the 1970s. I predict the two of them could form a Land of Enchantment Bidet Utopia atop the mystical ley lines for ass-cleanliness. We slaves from the salt mines of Hollywood could retreat there to purify our behinds and get clinics on line readings like, "Otisville? Otisville?" and "Miss Tessmacheeeerrrr!"

1:34 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

My dad looks like that guy who has to get up to make the doughnuts.

It's not nearly as cool as your dad.

I remember calling to talk to Star Effer and having to get through Poppa Effer and he'd always fuck with you. "Is Star Effer there?" "Who the fuck is this!?"

It was always a riot. And scary.

7:40 AM  
Blogger Gnat said...

Wow, the phase "it's time to make the donuts" has always ment "lets get naked" to my future wife.


Funny how that works....


T_G.
.

12:34 PM  
Blogger Neil said...

Jeez, now I'm afraid of making some snarky comment, thinking you might send your Daddy over to beat the shit out of me.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Moonchild said...

I really must be a redneck then. I always use toilet paper to wipe my ass after taking a dump. Who needs to soak your bum after that? That's just crazy talk.

4:19 PM  
Blogger HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Star Effer...where are you? we miss youuuuuuuuuuuu.

5:49 AM  
Anonymous the swede said...

Wait... is Poppa Effer wearing a glittery shirt in that photo? That's so awesome. Clearly Gene Hackman has nothing on Poppa Effer!

12:56 PM  
Anonymous the swede said...

Never mind, now I see it's the plastic flatware that's creating the illusion of glitter*.

Still though, clearly Gene Hackman's got nothing on Poppa Effer.


*Ok, so I have a thing for glitter. I can't help it. I'm still a good person though. I think.

1:00 PM  

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